


Through the Dark

by pinkamour1588



Series: I Won't Give Up [2]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Depression, Heartache, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Sex, Light Angst, M/M, Post-Star Trek: Into Darkness, post STID
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-27
Updated: 2017-09-27
Packaged: 2019-01-06 04:18:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12203736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinkamour1588/pseuds/pinkamour1588
Summary: After Jim is brought back to life, things aren’t as easy as Leonard may have hoped.





	Through the Dark

**Three and a half weeks later** ****

Leonard sat in the waiting room picking at a loose thread on his jeans. When the door to Jim’s therapist’s office opened, he looked up and gave Jim an encouraging smile. Jim didn’t say a word as he walked out of the waiting room.

On the drive home, neither of them spoke. Jim stared out the passenger side window and Leonard glanced over at him at stoplights, his chest aching at the blond’s emotionless expression.

“Do you want to watch a holofilm?” Leonard asked in the lift.

Jim grunted and shook his head. When they walked into the apartment, Jim made a beeline to the bedroom. He sat on the bed and kicked his shoes off before crawling under the covers. Leonard watched him from the doorway unsure what to do. He couldn’t ask Jim to talk because all he had been getting out of the blond lately was short, useless answers. With a sigh, he toed off his own shoes and changed into a pair of sweatpants and t-shirt before sitting on the bed against the headboard.

“Jim,” he said softly.

The blond grunted.

Leonard swallowed the lump in his throat before shaking his head. “Nothing.” He picked his PADD up from the nightstand and started reading, not entirely paying attention to what exactly he was reading.

***

“How was physical therapy?” Leonard asked as the two of them walked out of the hospital.

“Fine,” Jim muttered.

***

“What do you want for dinner?” Leonard walked into the bedroom where Jim laid staring out the window.

“Not hungry.”

***

“Do you want something to help you sleep tonight?” Leonard ran his fingers through Jim’s hair.

“No.”

***

Leonard poked his head into the bedroom. “Do you need anything from the store?”

“No.”

***

“What do you need?” Leonard whispered as he held tightly to Jim one night.

“Don’t know.”

***

“You need to eat.” He put a plate of food on the coffee table in front of Jim who was sprawled on the couch. At least he was out of bed.

“Not hungry.”

***

“You need to shower.”

Jim just grunted from where he laid.

“That wasn’t a question. You need to.”

The blond didn’t answer.

“Do I have to drag you there?”

Jim stared back at him with a flicker of weak defiance in his eyes. Leonard sighed and pulled the younger man out of bed and to the bathroom.

He sat Jim on the closed toilet and gave him a chance to start stripping off. When he didn’t, Leonard pulled Jim’s shirt and pants off for him. He turned the water on, giving Jim a chance to get in the shower on his own. Thankfully he did, though he just sat under the spray, glaring at Leonard weakly.

Leonard hesitated, debating whether it was worth trying to get Jim to properly wash off with soap, then deciding it wasn’t. “I’ll be back with clean clothes,” he said before walking back to the bedroom. Originally just grabbing clean pajamas for Jim, he then grabbed his own and headed backwards into the bathroom.

Jim hadn’t moved an inch.

With a small sigh, Leonard undressed and got into the shower, helping Jim up onto his feet and supporting his weight as he washed the younger man off. After he rinsed the shampoo out of the blond’s hair, Jim suddenly curled into Leonard, pressing his scruffy face into the doctor’s neck and clinging onto him tightly.

Leonard stood there frozen for a moment in shock, before gently saying, “Let’s get you dried off and dressed then we can watch a movie. Sound good?”

Jim whimpered and clung tighter.

“Come on,” Leonard murmured reaching over and turning off the water before freeing himself from Jim’s hold.

Ten minutes later, Jim was worming his way into Leonard’s arms after the doctor sat down on the couch after putting a holofilm on.

“Did the shower help at all?” Leonard asked softly.

“Think so. A little.”

“That’s good.”

Jim was silent for a minute, then said, “I still can’t shave. Cut myself every time.”

“Do you want help?”

The blond frowned. “Yes and no.”

“You want to be able to do it on your own.”

Jim nodded.

“You will. It’s barely been two months. You died. The serum could only do so much for brain function.”

“Can’t tie my goddamn shoes either.”

“Jim, look at me.”

Jim lifted his head and looked at him.

“I’m ok with helping. I want to help. If that means that I have to tie your shoes or help you shave, so be it.”

“I can’t write my name, you know. And you can’t help me with that.”

Leonard thought for a moment, then got up and went to the other room. He returned a minute later with a pad of paper and a pen, sitting back down next to Jim.

“Bones…”

“Practice. That’s the only way you’ll get better.”

Jim shook his head and focused his gaze on a spot over Leonard’s shoulder.

“Just let me see where you’re at.”

“I can’t.”

“Just try.” He set the pad on Jim’s lap and held the pen out.

“I can’t, Bones. Why don’t you get that?”

“Try. That’s all I’m asking.”

“I can’t.”

“Why?”

“What?”

“Why can’t you try?”

“Always looks like shit when I do.”

“You’ve seen my handwriting.” Leonard gave him a small smile.

“Bones, it’s  _really_  bad.”

“Once. And I won’t watch. I’ll go into the other room if you want.”

Jim blinked a few times, then took the pen, fumbling to get it positioned right in his hand. Leonard turned his head to face the wall and waited. After at least five minutes, Jim put the pad and pen on Leonard’s lap and looked down at his own. Leonard looked down to see a barely legible  _Jim Kirk_  printed on the page.

“Ok, good,” Leonard smiled at Jim as he put the pen and paper on the coffee table.

“What?”

“You can hold a pen and write. That’s good.”

Jim frowned and glared at Leonard. “Don’t patronize me.”

“I’m not. I’m telling you the truth.”

“Yes, you are. It’s chicken-scratch. Can you even read it?”

“Sort of. You tried, though. That’s all I asked you to do. Try. Now, come here.” He gestured Jim over until he could wrap his arms tightly around the blond.

Jim took a few minutes to relax, but once he did, he wrapped his arms around Leonard in return and held tightly.

***

After that night, Leonard hoped things were going to improve, even if it was just a little. They didn’t. Jim refused to get out of bed the next morning. When Leonard tried to get him to sit up to eat something, he was told to “fuck off”. When he tried to lay down with Jim, the blond shoved a pillow between them.

That evening as he got ready for bed in the bathroom, he gripped the edge of the counter, hanging his head. He glanced out of the bathroom to see Jim lying in bed, like he had been all day, a pillow between him and Leonard’s side of the bed.

***

As the days went by, Jim grew more distant, and quieter once again. The man who could so rarely shut up, was silent. The man who would cling to Leonard in his sleep, created a pillow barrier down the middle of the bed. The man who slept like a rock, tossed and turned most of the night. The man who ate anything put in front of him, barely ate a thing.

Leonard tried asking Jim’s therapist, but was given a vague “just make sure he knows you’re there for him” comment. He sat in on Jim’s physical therapy appointments, trying to pick up on things he could work on with Jim at home. Not that anything came of those attempts. He was running himself ragged, only leaving to go to the store or meetings he couldn’t get out of.

After a month, at about midnight, Leonard turned to Jim, who laid with his back to the doctor and stared blankly ahead. He glanced at the pillows between them, then pulled them away and tossed them off the bed. He moved closer to Jim, putting his arm around the blond and curling his body against his.

“Fuck off,” Jim mumbled tiredly, “Don’t need you holding me.”

“No, perhaps you don’t, but…but you’re not the only one in this relationship and I need to hold my boyfriend,” Leonard answered, fully expecting Jim to shove him off.

He didn’t. He didn’t exactly relax either, but Leonard was going to take what he could get. Leonard moved his hand to rest over Jim’s heart, letting out a soft sigh at the feeling of Jim’s steady heartbeat under his palm. He blinked back the tears that threatened to fall and held Jim tighter.

***

When Leonard woke up the next morning, Jim was fast asleep, one hand resting on Leonard’s forearm. After a few minutes, he got up, careful not to wake Jim. He walked out of the bathroom a couple minutes later to see Jim staring at him from bed.

“Hey,” Leonard said softly as he sat down on the bed with his back against the headboard.

“I’m sorry,” Jim whispered picking nonexistent lint off the duvet.

“About what?”

Jim blinked a few times then looked up at Leonard. “I don’t know. I just am.” He made to reach for the doctor’s hand, but quickly stopped himself.

Leonard reached over and took Jim’s hand, giving it a small squeeze as he looked up at the ceiling. “You frustrate me.” After a long pause, he continued, “I had to imagine life without you. Believe I was going to have a life without you. And god, did it scare the living hell out of me. Every second that went by after you were injected with the serum hurt. Just hoping that it would work.

And now…now I have to wonder if I’m going to get that same stubborn, impulsive, frustrating blond back. The one who I fell in love with. And it’s terrifying. It’s terrifying to not know. Because I could anticipate your stubbornness. I could anticipate your tendency towards being impulsive. I could anticipate the frustration. But, Jim,” he looked over at the younger man, “I can’t anticipate and prepare myself for what happens tomorrow. Or the day after that. Because this–This isn’t like all those times. And I don’t know what to do.”

“Are you leaving?” The words left Jim’s lips before he could stop them.

“What?”

Jim swallowed the lump in his throat and shook his head.

“Is that what you think I was trying to say?”

“I don’t know.”

“It’s not. I promise.”

Jim nodded, but didn’t say anything for a few minutes. “I don’t like this.”

“Holding my hand or what?”

“Being dependent. I’m just getting my hands steady enough to eat with utensils on my own. I can still only manage part of the time. You had to help me shave yesterday. I can’t hold a pen steady enough to write more than my name, and even that’s only semi legible.”

“I know you don’t like it. I wasn’t particularly thrilled about having to find things you could eat without utensils that would still be good for you. Or having to postpone Jo coming to visit because I, we, need to be in a better place mentally before having a child to take care of. Or having to drag my boyfriend into the shower because he hadn’t taken one for a week. None of it thrilled me.”

“Why’d you do it then?”

“Because I believe that somewhere in this blond head of yours,” he ruffled up Jim’s hair, “That stubborn, impulsive, frustrating man who manages to drive me absolutely insane still exists.”

“But how can you be sure?”

“I’m not. I’m just hoping for the best.”

“Rather optimistic of you.”

“Spent enough time around you. It rubbed off on me.”

“It’s weird.”

“What’s weird? Me being optimistic?”

“Yeah.”

“Would you rather me be pessimistic?”

Jim paused for a moment then shook his head.

“Didn’t think so.”

They sat in silence for a long time before Jim spoke again, so quietly Leonard barely heard him. “I’m hungry.”

“What do you want? I bought cereal, eggs, bacon, sausage. I could make biscuits and gravy or pancakes. If you want I can go to the store and get something,” Leonard rambled.

“Pancakes. I want pancakes.”

“Sounds good,” he smiled at Jim, pushing his hair off his forehead, “Will you come sit in the kitchen with me while I cook?”

Jim hesitated.

“You don’t have to.”

“I will,” Jim nodded letting go of Leonard’s hand.

Leonard grinned getting up from the bed. “Take your time.” He walked off to the kitchen. It took until he was pouring pancake batter into the pan for him to hear Jim walking out of the bedroom and plopping down at the kitchen table. “Do you want anything in your pancakes?” He looked over at Jim who was resting his head on his forearms on the table.

“No.”

The apartment went silent except for the sound of cooking. Leonard occasionally glanced over at the blond, who had closed his eyes. Fifteen minutes later, he set a plate with two pancakes, silverware, some butter, and a bottle of syrup on the table.

“Breakfast,” he said softly rubbing Jim’s shoulder until the younger man straightened up. “There’s more if you want. I figured two would be a good start.”

Jim nodded, pulling the plate closer. He buttered and poured syrup over the pancakes, poking at them a bit. Leonard turned away and went back to cooking. He glanced over his shoulder to see Jim’s hand shaking as he ate and his heart ached.

~

After five pancakes, Jim shoved his plate away, letting Leonard take it and put it in the dishwasher along with his own. When he turned around, Jim was sitting looking down at his lap, picking at his nails.

“Do you want to watch something?” Leonard asked sitting down next to Jim and facing him.

Jim shrugged.

“Jim, I need you to tell me what you need. Or what you want.”

“That’s the problem. I don’t know.”

“Let’s take a shower, then we can either watch a movie or just sit on the couch. Does that sound good?”

Jim nodded, getting up and following Leonard to the bathroom.

~

Twenty minutes later, Jim curled up on the couch while Leonard got a holofilm set up before having the younger man sit up a little so he could sit down. Jim laid his head on Leonard’s lap, staring blankly at the film.

“I’m proud of you, you know,” Leonard said as he carded his fingers through Jim’s damp hair.

“Why?”

“Lots of reasons. You got out of bed. You ate breakfast. You took a shower.”

Jim scoffed.

“I’m serious. Those are accomplishments.”

“No, they’re not. They’re shit I couldn’t get myself to do.”

“That’s why they’re accomplishments.” He sighed, then added, “Jim, look at me.”

Jim turned his head and looked up at him.

“How do you feel?”

“What?”

“How do you feel?”

Jim blinked a few times, furrowing his eyebrows. “I don’t know.”

“So, numb?”

“Physically or emotionally?”

“I’m asking about both. How do you feel physically and how do you feel emotionally?”

“Physically, a little sore. Emotionally…Emotionally, I’m not sure.”

“Have you told Dr. Greys?”

Jim nodded. “He gave me some weird word for it.”

“Alexithymia?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s good for me to know.”

“I don’t know what to do.”

“Right now, you need to just lay here. Talk if you want to or don’t talk at all.”

Jim settled his head back on Leonard’s lap and went back to staring blankly at the film.

***

Two weeks later, Leonard woke up to a weight on his chest. A very familiar weight on his chest. A weight he hadn’t felt in months. He opened his eyes and looked down to see Jim laying half on top of him and staring at the wall.

“Good morning,” Leonard said, startling the blond.

“I didn’t wake you up, did I?” Jim said nervously as he lifted his head to look at Leonard.

“No, you didn’t.”

“I suppose I should get off you…” He went to move off of Leonard but was quickly stopped by arms wrapping tightly around him.

“You’re fine. I missed waking up like this.”

“You always complained before.”

“Yeah, before. I like this right now.”

“You’re not just saying that?”

“I’m absolutely not just saying that. I missed waking up to you clinging to me. Never thought I would, but I suppose it’s one of those things that you don’t appreciate until it’s gone.”

Jim nodded and laid his head back on Leonard’s shoulder.

“I have a meeting today, by the way,” Leonard commented as he traced his index finger down Jim’s back.

“Ok.”

“Do you need anything when I’m out?”

Jim shook his head.

“Let me know if you do.”

“My handwriting’s improved. Or at least Megan says it has.”

“That’s fantastic,” Leonard grinned kissing the top of Jim’s head.

“Still gonna be a while.”

“That’s ok. You’re making improvement. That’s exactly what we want.”

“That’s what Megan said. Still sucks though.”

“Never said it didn’t.”

Jim closed his eyes and went silent for a long time. Long enough that Leonard started to wonder if he’d fallen asleep. So, Leonard carefully got up and went to the bathroom, getting back into bed when he returned. Jim had rolled over so his back was to Leonard.

“Do you miss sex?” Jim asked suddenly.

“What?”

“Sex. We haven’t had it in months. You miss it?”

“Yes.”

“Do you want to fuck me?”

“No.”

Jim turned over, his expression anxious and hurt. “What?”

“I don’t want to have sex with you because I don’t think you want to have sex and we don’t do anything unless both of us want to.”

“But what if I want to?”

“Then tell me why you want to.”

Jim frowned and looked away. “Never mind.”

“Jim, what’s going on?”

He shook his head.

“Please tell me. No judgement. You know that.”

Jim hesitated before whispering, “I don’t want you to go.”

Leonard let out a short laugh and Jim flinched. “You don’t honestly think that after everything I’m leaving because you don’t want to have sex?”

“Not leaving,” Jim mumbled and Leonard’s stomach dropped.

“You don’t really think…” Leonard whispered. He felt sick to his stomach at the very thought that Jim might think he would cheat on him.

“Not really, but it’s a possibility.”

“God, Jim, that fact that you even think it’s a possibility…just…I don’t even know how to respond to that. I would never. It is not and never will be a possibility. I promise.”

“But you said you miss sex.”

“I did. I miss sex with you.”

“It’s been almost 4 months.”

“And I have a hand–two of them in fact–that I can put to good use. Yes, it’s frustrating to want to have sex with my boyfriend and have him not want to have sex, but it’s worse if I tried to convince you to have sex when you don’t want to.”

“You’ll still kiss me though?”

“I will kiss you however much you want, darlin’,” Leonard smiled as he leaned over and pressed his lips to Jim’s lightly.

Jim wrapped his arms around Leonard and kissed him back harder.

***

**Six weeks later**

Leonard woke up kisses being pressed haphazardly to his shoulder. “Tryinna sleep,” he grumbled.

“Bones,” Jim mumbled against Leonard’s shoulder.

“Why’re you waking me up?”

“Why do you think?”

“I don’t know, Jim,” he sighed as he rolled over to face Jim.

“Just think.” Jim pressed his lips against Leonard jaw.

“What are you…oh!” Leonard pulled back a little, placing one hand on Jim’s chest. “Are you sure? We really don’t have to.”

“Yes. I’m sure.”

~

“I missed this,” Leonard said forty-five minutes later, fingers lightly stroking Jim’s spine as the blond settled against him, resting his head on his shoulder.

“The sex or the cuddling?” Jim asked.

“Both.”

After a few minutes, Leonard got up, went to his closet and getting a pair of boxers for himself, before heading to the bathroom. When he returned, Jim was staring at the bathroom door. Leonard leaned against the doorframe and smiled at him.

“See something you like?” Jim asked reaching a hand out

“Yes,” he smiled as he walked over to Jim

“Care to explain?”

“Those are my boxers. You look good in my clothes.“

Leonard climbed back into bed and pulled Jim close.

“I thought you liked me better with no clothes.”

“I love you both ways.”

Leonard reached over and rubbed the backs of his fingers over Jim’s cheek. “Am I getting my Jim back?” he whispered.

“I think so,” he nodded giving me a sad smile.

“I think so too.”

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi on [tumblr](http://pinkamour1588.tumblr.com)


End file.
